When you feel overwhelmed by life’s circumstances…
Last night I reached into my bookcase and chose a book. Then I randomly choose a page from the book to read. Do you ever do that? I’ve being doing it for many years, with delightful results.
Here’s want happened!
I first met author and licensed clinical social worker Nate Terell after connecting with him on LinkedIn 2 years ago, after stumbling across his wonderful book Achieving Self-Compassion: Giving Yourself the Gifts of Happiness and Inner Peace.
I happened to open Achieving Self-Compassion to a section on working with difficult emotions. Everyone can benefit from improving their ability to work with difficult emotions, including me!
Achieving Self-Compassion, by Nate Terrell
The subject of how to handle negative reactions has been on my mind for a long time, and I have tried many approaches. I am always amazed at how many perspectives there can be on the exact same topic.
One of my Buddhist teachers believes strongly that it’s best to just push them away and ignore them as much as possible; however, that idea has never been helpful for me.
Tara Brach teaches a wonderful process she calls “RAIN” – Recognize / Allow / Investigate / Nurture. This is a great way to work with mild negative emotions, and I highly recommend it (although I sometimes get a bit stuck on the “allow” because I get impatient!).
If you can remember to do it, this can be incredibly helpful, but for me adding in a letter “B” for “Breathe” makes this work better. Think RABID (this is my own acronym that I use: Recognize/Allow + Breathe/Investigate/Detach (or Nurture).
As a recovering “people pleaser,” it was (and sometimes still is) a process for me to be able to identify, let alone deal with my negative emotions in a healthy way. Sometimes I actually scare myself when I have strong negative emotions!
So, what is the best way to deal with a strong negative reaction, when it starts to arise?
Nate gives a number of helpful examples of healthy ways to deal with strong negative emotions, including concrete situations in which they were used.
For example, Nate suggests visualizing a steel garage slamming down and severing the connection between what is happening and the impending emotional reaction. Or finding a nickname for the emotional outbursts in order to detach from them.
He suggests a clearcut process involving recognizing and detaching from the emotion. What really compels and inspires me on this particular page of Achieving Self Compassion is Nate’s reference to Viktor Frankl. Indeed, if Mr. Frankl can seek a balanced way to handle his reactions in the death camps of Nazi Germany, surely we can too?!
Nate’s approach is different than anything I’ve ever tried before. The approach is more “assertive,” and it speaks to me.
He explains this process of detachment as “going to the balcony” – where we can see more clearly and make better decisions. I love this so much!
I am actually excited to try this, and become better at finding more balance in my life. Thank you, Nate! :)
Please post your thoughts below.